kaleidoscope

Smiling faces, exotic places and incredible scenes. Running around the globe being reckless, becoming breathless under crystal skies. It’s what everyone sees. Life is gold and gleaming from across a salty pond. But eventually, the music fades as the curtain falls upon the slippery sidewalk. Fade to black.

The other day as I slid into my seat on the bus I was staring out of the window hoping that no one would next to me, because well stranger danger (or the fact that speaking Polish at my stop still makes nerves rush through my veins). Typically, I sit and watch the world blur through my window. I put on some tunes and soon enough I am the star of a melodramatic music video or upcoming mockumentary. Lately though, I have been lost in thought, not in imagination. Perhaps because for the last few weeks I have been caught in a cloud, surrounded by mist and faint whispers being haunted by events of the world that spins around me. I think everyone has these moments. The dice were rolling in my favour more often than not for a couple seasons now but every so often there comes a time in our lives where we just can’t shake the funk. Distorted tales that fell off unknowing lips now stick to my skin, judgements bounce around in my brain and I am wearing my stress like a cloak that I can’t leave at the doorway.

It dawned on me that we base our perception of others entirely upon our own experiences and hand out judgements as if they were extra change. Without thinking about the weight these judgements may have, the influence they could produce and the consequences of being wrong. We are quick to judge by height, religion and where someone was born. These are things that we typically cannot control. However, people can control their reactions to life’s happenstances (which is NOT easy) and deciding to act like an asshat to others because a lack of listening, an inability to relate or properly understand them is a completely conscious decision. But somehow, it seems the latter is more accepted in this day and age then the former.

This world is a crazy beautiful mix of misconceptions and oxymorons. Humans in general can present as confident but actually struggle with the fact that we live in a society where the standard of beauty is unattainable.  People can desire friendships but feel so incredibly crippled by anxiety that they can’t actually form deep connections. Someone who looks like they live a glorious life on instagram, really could be volunteering at hostels and sending all extra money to their family in Venezuela. It is absolutely impossible to comprehend the complexity of the storm that exists within each and every soul. These are the things that make us human. The happiness, the struggles, the fact that somehow no one I know is quite sure how our ovens work. But instead, we judge people based upon a feed. We base opinions upon images full of enchantment,  dandies and far away places. Slivers of time pasted together just right to make life aesthetically pleasing. We never talk about the things that haunt us, hurt us or leave us in a place of struggle.

Recently, it seems that I have been beating my head against a wall trying to get people to understand that the part of me that they view is just a single pattern of the kaleidoscope that makes up my being. That my choices are made with sacrifices and life abroad isn’t as happy go lucky as it may seem. I in-fact do not have a horseshoe shoved up my ass, but rather a willingness to pivot and luckily some supporters who help solve issues that go down in the Golden State. The DMV can still make your life hell, even when you live on another continent. Scratch that especially when you live on another continent. The tax man knocks at my door just as aggressively as he does on yours, and insurance companies drop you because apparently not being able to drive your car labels you as a risk to insure. Distance can be disadvantageous, it can provide a plethora of problems but these aren’t the things people care about reading, right? The magic, madness, heaven and galavanting are seemingly more enticing however, less authentic.

It’s okay to be in a place of struggle. It’s just another word for growth. Keeping your experiences as a mystery to the world is healthy. Recognising that anger is a self-imposed punishment for a mistake you didn’t make is a real game changer. You can breathe a little easier once you realise that ghouls are less powerful when you turn the lights on. It is undeniably important to remember that others reaction to you is more a reflection of them. Your reaction to them is an awareness of yourself. And people can only meet you as deeply as they know themselves. Practice self-love, prioritise your happiness and know what you deserve. It is absolutely vital that you speak when you are inspired, hurt or afraid, even if your voice shakes, because courage is as contagious as it is empowering.  Take the time, focus on yourself, and stitch yourself together every damn time you fall apart. Because self-love looks damn good on anyone and it’s about time that we all let it go and step into the sunlight.

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I genuinely appreciate you reading this I know it’s been a bit different and perhaps awkward or out of place but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Thank you for reaching out afterwards or sending good vibes through the universe. Your checking in on me means the world. THANK YOU! 

2 Comments

  1. Miss Erin – there’s a definite change in your writing lately which to me just means reality has set in. You are incredibly brave, smart and of course adventurous. You’re living your dream even though it may have gained a little tarnish. That my sweet niece is just showing how you have grown since beginning your adventure. Chin up – keep living your best life! ❤️❤️❤️ With Love – Aunt Nancy PS – can’t wait for Dublin ☘️☘️

    Liked by 1 person

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