I have a lot of thoughts right now. Not just in the present moment but as every day unfolds it seems that my mind is on overdrive. Throughout the 24 hour cycle, the range of my emotions can be extreme. A case of emotional whiplash occurs quite regularly. As the dawn breaks my heart and head are usually light and bright but without warning I can take a deep dive into the dark. It’s been an ongoing struggle. A dance between control and surrender. I have had to lean into complex feelings while shaking off anxiety about the complex situation unfolding in the world. I am learning how to sit comfortably with myself and attempt to master the art of doing nothing.
Over the last few days or weeks, time has never seemed like more of a social construct then now, I have tried to find joy in the smallest things. To watch a moment blossom and become its own. There are these bushes outside that are bursting with sunshine and nearly every day I stop by them and listen because they are always singing. I am learning how to be comfortable diving deep into my mind just to drown within my own thoughts. To listen to my body and honor it. I am trying to not beat myself up for not being able to complete an hour of yoga a day or my inability to tackle a new skill. My mind seems blocked a lot. It’s stuck and cannot create and this irritates me more than anything. Even as I type these words it seems below par, like I can do better but fuck that. I am doing my best for now.
Sometimes, I love it. Then I hate this. I crave human interaction and the next moment I am so comfortable being alone. I want to cry and then I am laughing. And now I am crying because I am laughing. I sneeze, then I think I am dying (allergies are really awkward at this time). Now I am sitting on a counter stretching, holding myself upside down and then I want to take a nap. I swear I am not losing my mind. But maybe I am.
I find most of my relief in faces on the screen. The good stories that are coming out of this. The singing from balconies and a smile from a stranger that nearly drew a tear from eye. It’s the slice of carrot cake on doorstep and an extra tulip from my flower lady. The clapping at 8 for medical workers, the singing of the birds as winter dissipates. I have seen faces from home more often and have daily chats with my parents. It’s been a wild ride.
I suppose that the thing that keeps me up at night is not being alone but rather the thought of when all this ends. We will all bear scars of this pandemic. Every single one of us will be affected in some way and it will be tattooed somewhere in our soul. I fear losing someone I know. I fear not being able to make it home this summer. I fear leaving a city I love without any closure. I fear that when they day comes when we are allowed return to the normal that we forget the lessons we have been taught. I am plagued with fear all the time, but I am also intrinsically hopeful. I hope that when this is all said and done we change the way we treat each other. I hope that the unsung heroes of this world are treated and compensated as such. I hope that we don’t lose our gratitude and appreciation for each other. I hope that we come out of this a little bruised, a little broken but ultimately stronger. I hope that we can use this to cause a positive shift. I just hope.
For now though, I am living for the day when I get to walk through a park and hug my friends. Where I can dance in a street and cycle near the lilac trees. I live for the day when we drink too much wine in the sunshine and laugh at all the strange things we did during quarantine. I am living for the day when I get to embrace my family and have beer thirty on the front porch. I hope that day comes soon. And you know what the only thing more powerful than fear is? Hope.